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Late Confession…and Some Lessons

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10/01/16 (From my food journal)

“Confession: I just ate over 1000 calories in potato chips. That’s about 5 servings. If I hadn’t bought it, I wouldn’t have eaten it. I thought I had leeway, could do one serving at a time…one day at a time. That worked for a day. I knew better. I bought it. I kept it in my room. Clearly, I had planned to eat it…them…no matter what lies I told myself.

No one can be kind to me on my behalf. I have to choose to be kind to myself. I know I’m too weak to not eat it, so I should not buy it. I will not spend money on anything that won’t benefit my health. This is my promise to myself. I hope I can keep it.

I would have to do amost 2 hours of cardio to burn 1000 calories…yet I ate that many in nearly 20 minutes.

I saw it coming, and didn’t stop myself.”

The next day (Monday), I did basically the same thing, but I think it set off something in me. With very little time until I had to return to work, I went to the gym, and I went 6 times that week. It had a terrible start, but it opened my eyes. Lessons:

  1. One day doesn’t have the power to ruin your week, or your life. It is what you do consistently that counts. Likewise, one day of healthy eating won’t fix your health.
  2. Progress always leaves room for learning and failure.
  3. I need to be kind to myself, not just by making good choices, but by showing myself compassion when I make poor ones.

 

Yes, you won’t be perfect, but you can make it on this health journey, one choice at a time. I’m rooting for us.

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Quick Update

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Yes, I am still alive. I’ve penned several posts in my mind, but never got around to typing any. So, what’s new?

  1. I changed gyms about a month ago. A couple friends from work signed up, and they bugged me to do the same. It was easily one of the best moves I’ve made. I don’t have to motivate myself to go, since they’ll drag me. Yes, it’s not ideal, but it’s working. My goal is to go 4 times a week. Other than the holiday break, I’ve either accomplished that or come really close.
  2. I’ve realised it doesn’t make sense to give up. I have failed on this road…so many times. Still, I couldn’t fully throw in the towel. Now that I am finally finding my rhythm, I am grateful I decided to try yet another time.
  3. I have these strange urges to eat things that held no appeal before, even when I’m not hungry. It is as if deciding to be more careful about what I eat has given life to a desire to do just the opposite. I have good days and bad days, but I am going to make it. 🙂

There is more to say, but I just wanted to pop in and encourage whoever is reading this. You may not think it is working, but do what you can. Perfection isn’t possible, and progress comes with not calling it a day. You can do it. Give yourself as many chances as you need.

Courage

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Weigh-In No. 1 (Again)

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I think my arms might be too dead to type this. I just had my butt kicked by a lady old enough to be my mother. That class wiped me out, but I’m glad I pushed past my unwillingness, and didn’t skip the gym. So…

Although I will not be numbers-driven, there is no discounting the reality that frequent weigh-ins are a good indicator of progress. I will weigh in once a week. My ‘plan’ is to lose 1% of my weight each week. That might not always be the case, and that’s fine, but I think it is a healthy and modest rate.

As I mentioned in an earlier post, my last recorded weight was 283. I think I had lost some by that point, so it is safe to assume I was somewhere close to my heaviest recorded weight (291) before then. Anyway…

280 (04/05/15)

So, that’s 1% down. I’m not as happy about the number as I am about the fact that I’ve been making better choices, and exercising more control over what I eat. I’ve even been going to the gym more than once a week. 🙂

Perhaps my biggest lesson so far has been that consistency is more important than perfection. I will mess up, I will eat what I shouldn’t, and there will be days when I just can’t be bothered, but that doesn’t mean I should quit. I’m in this for my health, for my life. Giving up is no longer an option.

Image source: greatmindsthinkfit.com

Weight Loss Mystery Solved…Part 1

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Last week was such a pensive time, and I think I’ve made a breakthrough. Somehow, I understand why I’ve never been able to embrace weight loss as a separate entity, why I’ve never felt whatever it is that compels people to try to lose weight. Of course, I see the need for weight loss, as part of a commitment to a healthier lifestyle, but that doesn’t change my aversion. So, my epiphany, if you will…

No matter how strong you are, even if you think you’re unaffected by things people say, you build resistance. I’ve had perfect strangers ask me if I didn’t see I was too fat (because, apparently, I don’t have either working eyes or a mirror), had people who hadn’t seen me in a long time not even greet me properly, but make a comment about my size. I won’t go into how the average person becomes a nutritionist or something–all the lovely ‘concerned’ questions about my health. I took it all in stride, often laughed and responded politely to people who were downright obnoxious, but I can no longer deny its impact.

I’ve absorbed, without realising it, so much of the negativity aimed at me because of my size. I’ve never hated myself or my body, but I think I transitioned into no longer actively loving myself, as if I didn’t have that right, simply because I had let myself go. Even the love I had for myself became ‘in spite of’, as if I had to defend my right to love myself–or not hate myself.

People have suggested something must be fundamentally wrong with me, just by looking at me. In the same breath, I knew being fat didn’t make me less of a person, or unworthy of love. Because of that, I feel the need to protect myself…to protect my fat self.

Trying to lose weight feels like giving in to everyone who has made my size feel unacceptable…to the random people on sidewalks who told me I should stop eating, to family members who’ve reduced my portions or flat-out told me I shouldn’t eat something (things they didn’t do for others), to those who have celebrated my smaller self as if accidentally (or deliberately) losing weight made me a better person–as if I would finally be worthy of my spot on the planet if I lose enough weight. I oppose that idea so strongly that trying to lose weight feels like a betrayal of my very self.

Now that I understand this, I need to find a way to include weight loss in my health and fitness journey, without having it as the point of my journey. Weight loss will be the consequence of my changing lifestyle, not the cause of it. It will give me a sense of how my changes work, how my body responds to those changes, but I will not work for a number. I refuse to be a slave to the scale, or shackle myself to the idea that my weight and worth have any relationship, especially that of inverse proportion. Weight loss, on this journey, will be only a guide, not a goal.

I may still struggle with my aversion to weight loss, and while people may assume I’m working towards losing weight, and may even applaud me for it, I have to remember my goals–health, fitness, and discipline. I am not a thin girl trapped in a fat girl’s body. My body is not a prison, and I refuse to try to escape from it. I will, as I am changing, transform it…see its potential for strength, continue to appreciate its beauty, at every size.

This is my body, and I love it. I am fat, and I love myself. Fat is not my identity, and rooting my identity there, embracing fat as who I am, is no less than destructive than those who would see me as unworthy because of my weight.

I am fat, and I love myself…enough to change.

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Quick Update

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There’s a part of me that wants to delay this until I have better news to impart, but I promised to be honest…with you guys and with myself.

This is still difficult. I’m generally eating better than I have in a long time, I’ve lost a few pounds, and I’ve somewhat improved my gym attendance, but this still does not feel real. I feel as if I am not owning this journey…and I’m not sure how to. I’ve watched so many before-and-after weight loss videos, and all those people were motivated to lose weight. I’m not. Yes, I want to get healthy, but how do I find the drive to go against my fear of losing weight? I’m even beginning to see that that fear goes so much deeper than I think. If losing weight is part of improving my health, and I’m doing it through proper nutrition and exercise, doesn’t that make it a good thing? Why am I afraid of a good thing?

That fear is so toxic. It is what drives me to sabotage myself every time I start to change, and not just as it relates to my health. I know I don’t need to want to do this in order for it to get done, but I have to face the power of my lack of inclination. I really don’t know how this will turn out, but I can’t just allow it to be pushed aside. I need to do this, fear or no fear.

On the plus side, I’m beginning to see some of my patterns of sabotage, see where I’ve developed unhealthy relationships with food. I’m paying attention to what triggers me to tell myself to skip the gym, as I did last week…and today. This has been a long road, and I am far from perfect, but if I’m understanding myself better, it’s all worth it.

The Same Lesson

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In two months, I could weigh 300 pounds.

Frankly, that is not as scary as it should be, but it is eye-opening. I started going to the gym in February, and I made progress. I overcame my fear of the treadmill, and I even ran. To top it off, I inspired my sister (who is nowhere near my size…and actually works out) to run. Ooh, and did I mention all those reps I did with a 30-pound bar, and how I felt as if I had found my happy place (hate cardio, LOVE strength training)? Sounds like the start of something beautiful, but then I kicked in.

I decided it was best, for a number of reasons, to stop going to the gym, and continue working out at home. That wasn’t as bad a plan as it sounds, but the gym doesn’t require the one thing working out at home does–choice. It recently hit me, yet again, that I’ve always improved my health or lost weight by accident, by default, or for some reason that made me feel as if I had no choice. I’ve never really had to CHOOSE to get healthy, even though I’ve allegedly committed to it several times. To be honest, the only reason I started the gym was that I didn’t want to fail a medical I would do a couple months later. Having failed at improving my health, but passed that medical, I now have no ‘reason’ to get healthy–but for my own good.

When it comes down to it, that’s why this is so hard. If I had to get healthy to benefit someone else, I would have done it ages ago. If I cared, I wouldn’t have let fear trap me into returning to my bad habits after losing a significant amount of weight five or six years ago…without even trying. If, at that point, I had chosen to focus on my health, I could have been healthy for the past five years, rather than having no guarantee of either health or another five years. But, this is what I do. Something good starts to happen, and I sabotage myself.

So, I don’t really have a plan now. Yes, seeing the scale in the 290s again was scary, but that won’t do it. I just have to keep making those little choices, as I’ve been trying to do for the past couple days. I have to choose to eat healthy food, say no to eating what I know is bad for me. I have to get moving. Working out works for me, and I can’t deny that…so I need to literally get up off my ass and do something…while I still can.

No clue how or if this is going to work, but I’ve decided to cut out the extremism I’m prone to. I want to make little choices I can keep making for the rest of my life, even though doing that will be hard at first. I guess, in a sense, I’m starting over (again!), but that’s okay. I’m not in this to be a superstar. I’m here to learn, even if it’s the same lesson.

Owning It…Again

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Yes, yes, I’m alive. 🙂

The past four months have been the most hectic I’ve had in a long time. I learned something, though–I can’t keep expecting my life to slow down enough for me to not have to tryDiscipline is definitely not one of my strong points, and I’ve taken the ready excuse of “when this is over”. What if it never ends? What if new things, more responsibilities just keep popping up? Am I going to delay working on my health for the rest of my life? Will there even be a “rest of my life” at that rate?

I have to own this…have to own me. Weight loss has never been something I’ve really wanted to do. I can see that it needs to be done, but outside of wardrobe-related moments of frustration, being fat works for me. Of course, I’m logical enough to know of the associated health risks, but I’m not sure I care…enough, that is.

Frankly, I’m terrified of what taking this step could mean. I’ve never been small. Smaller than I am now? Sure, but not small enough to be considered anywhere near average size. I can’t separate improving my health from losing weight, and that makes this change just about the scariest thing I’ve come across in my life. I’ll be different. What if I don’t recognise this new person? What if I don’t like her? Then again, maybe I’ll still be me…just smaller. I just…don’t know.

I guess it’s way past time to grow up and face my fears, to own who I am…who I’ve made myself. Somehow, I almost wish working out were going to be the hardest part of this…I could definitely live with that. This changing stuff, man. So hard. So, so hard.

But, it’s time to fight, even though I’ll have to learn how…one breath at a time.

Weigh-In No. 12…and 13…and 14…

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Yes, I’m alive. 😀

286 (08/08/13)

287 (15/06/13)

287 (22/06/13)

 

fitness, motivation, workout

 

So, the past few weeks? Pretty crazy…I haven’t been working out. I feel as if I’ve been so busy, yet I can’t exactly see what I’ve accomplished. This is what I do, though…I start something, and then I stop…but, I’m not stopping for good this time. Is change super hard? Yes!

Like, this is so much bigger than a clothing size or a number on the scale. This is the question of whether I’ll ever learn to fight…and keep fighting to be who I was made to be. (No, I don’t mean skinny. Ugh…) I almost wish losing weight was the hardest thing I have to do. I’ve done it before, and it’s not that hard for me, especially when I don’t have to do it on purpose. I think it’s the deliberate parts of this that scare me.

Anyway, I’ll blog more over the next few days, since things seem to be settling down. Now, to go catch up on what has been happening in the lives of the lovely and inspirational people whose blogs I follow. 😀

 

Weigh-In No. 11

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285 (01/06/13)

A bit late to be posting this…oops. So, another pound down…like, if I plot a graph of my weigh-ins, it’d be kinda cute…all those ups and downs. Good thing I’m not hooked on numbers.

Ya, so I have way too much to do this week (my fault), and I tend to let working out and stuff slide when I’m swamped. Let’s hope that doesn’t happen this trip.

So, hiiiiiiii, y’all! All the best for the rest of the week!

weight loss 3 500x580 Motivate Me Monday: Weight Loss is Like Driving: Free Printable!

 

Image source: simplyrealmoms.com (It’s even printable! Teehee.)

 

Weigh-In No. 10

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286 (25/05/13)

I think I like weighing in…I mean, those numbers fluctuate like crazy, but I think that’s part of my journey and maybe the picture wouldn’t be complete without it.

On Day 8 of that BeFit thing. Wootsies! It’s…not easy, but it’s not impossible either. I’m actually sticking to something! I’m so good at owning the negative side of who I am that I often forget to look for the positives. I have so much growth to do…just as a person, and trying to process everything at once is so not going to work, but this is a mega leap. 😀

I’d like to thank God…seriously, I would. Thanks also to my sister, who told me about the workout programme and encouraged me to do it. Of course, I have to thank Keri (check out her blog!). She started the programme after she saw that I had mentioned it…and she started it before me. Quite the heads-up. 

One more day down…:)

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