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Late Confession…and Some Lessons

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10/01/16 (From my food journal)

“Confession: I just ate over 1000 calories in potato chips. That’s about 5 servings. If I hadn’t bought it, I wouldn’t have eaten it. I thought I had leeway, could do one serving at a time…one day at a time. That worked for a day. I knew better. I bought it. I kept it in my room. Clearly, I had planned to eat it…them…no matter what lies I told myself.

No one can be kind to me on my behalf. I have to choose to be kind to myself. I know I’m too weak to not eat it, so I should not buy it. I will not spend money on anything that won’t benefit my health. This is my promise to myself. I hope I can keep it.

I would have to do amost 2 hours of cardio to burn 1000 calories…yet I ate that many in nearly 20 minutes.

I saw it coming, and didn’t stop myself.”

The next day (Monday), I did basically the same thing, but I think it set off something in me. With very little time until I had to return to work, I went to the gym, and I went 6 times that week. It had a terrible start, but it opened my eyes. Lessons:

  1. One day doesn’t have the power to ruin your week, or your life. It is what you do consistently that counts. Likewise, one day of healthy eating won’t fix your health.
  2. Progress always leaves room for learning and failure.
  3. I need to be kind to myself, not just by making good choices, but by showing myself compassion when I make poor ones.

 

Yes, you won’t be perfect, but you can make it on this health journey, one choice at a time. I’m rooting for us.

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Quick Update

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Yes, I am still alive. I’ve penned several posts in my mind, but never got around to typing any. So, what’s new?

  1. I changed gyms about a month ago. A couple friends from work signed up, and they bugged me to do the same. It was easily one of the best moves I’ve made. I don’t have to motivate myself to go, since they’ll drag me. Yes, it’s not ideal, but it’s working. My goal is to go 4 times a week. Other than the holiday break, I’ve either accomplished that or come really close.
  2. I’ve realised it doesn’t make sense to give up. I have failed on this road…so many times. Still, I couldn’t fully throw in the towel. Now that I am finally finding my rhythm, I am grateful I decided to try yet another time.
  3. I have these strange urges to eat things that held no appeal before, even when I’m not hungry. It is as if deciding to be more careful about what I eat has given life to a desire to do just the opposite. I have good days and bad days, but I am going to make it. 🙂

There is more to say, but I just wanted to pop in and encourage whoever is reading this. You may not think it is working, but do what you can. Perfection isn’t possible, and progress comes with not calling it a day. You can do it. Give yourself as many chances as you need.

Courage

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The Same Lesson

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In two months, I could weigh 300 pounds.

Frankly, that is not as scary as it should be, but it is eye-opening. I started going to the gym in February, and I made progress. I overcame my fear of the treadmill, and I even ran. To top it off, I inspired my sister (who is nowhere near my size…and actually works out) to run. Ooh, and did I mention all those reps I did with a 30-pound bar, and how I felt as if I had found my happy place (hate cardio, LOVE strength training)? Sounds like the start of something beautiful, but then I kicked in.

I decided it was best, for a number of reasons, to stop going to the gym, and continue working out at home. That wasn’t as bad a plan as it sounds, but the gym doesn’t require the one thing working out at home does–choice. It recently hit me, yet again, that I’ve always improved my health or lost weight by accident, by default, or for some reason that made me feel as if I had no choice. I’ve never really had to CHOOSE to get healthy, even though I’ve allegedly committed to it several times. To be honest, the only reason I started the gym was that I didn’t want to fail a medical I would do a couple months later. Having failed at improving my health, but passed that medical, I now have no ‘reason’ to get healthy–but for my own good.

When it comes down to it, that’s why this is so hard. If I had to get healthy to benefit someone else, I would have done it ages ago. If I cared, I wouldn’t have let fear trap me into returning to my bad habits after losing a significant amount of weight five or six years ago…without even trying. If, at that point, I had chosen to focus on my health, I could have been healthy for the past five years, rather than having no guarantee of either health or another five years. But, this is what I do. Something good starts to happen, and I sabotage myself.

So, I don’t really have a plan now. Yes, seeing the scale in the 290s again was scary, but that won’t do it. I just have to keep making those little choices, as I’ve been trying to do for the past couple days. I have to choose to eat healthy food, say no to eating what I know is bad for me. I have to get moving. Working out works for me, and I can’t deny that…so I need to literally get up off my ass and do something…while I still can.

No clue how or if this is going to work, but I’ve decided to cut out the extremism I’m prone to. I want to make little choices I can keep making for the rest of my life, even though doing that will be hard at first. I guess, in a sense, I’m starting over (again!), but that’s okay. I’m not in this to be a superstar. I’m here to learn, even if it’s the same lesson.

Owning It…Again

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Yes, yes, I’m alive. 🙂

The past four months have been the most hectic I’ve had in a long time. I learned something, though–I can’t keep expecting my life to slow down enough for me to not have to tryDiscipline is definitely not one of my strong points, and I’ve taken the ready excuse of “when this is over”. What if it never ends? What if new things, more responsibilities just keep popping up? Am I going to delay working on my health for the rest of my life? Will there even be a “rest of my life” at that rate?

I have to own this…have to own me. Weight loss has never been something I’ve really wanted to do. I can see that it needs to be done, but outside of wardrobe-related moments of frustration, being fat works for me. Of course, I’m logical enough to know of the associated health risks, but I’m not sure I care…enough, that is.

Frankly, I’m terrified of what taking this step could mean. I’ve never been small. Smaller than I am now? Sure, but not small enough to be considered anywhere near average size. I can’t separate improving my health from losing weight, and that makes this change just about the scariest thing I’ve come across in my life. I’ll be different. What if I don’t recognise this new person? What if I don’t like her? Then again, maybe I’ll still be me…just smaller. I just…don’t know.

I guess it’s way past time to grow up and face my fears, to own who I am…who I’ve made myself. Somehow, I almost wish working out were going to be the hardest part of this…I could definitely live with that. This changing stuff, man. So hard. So, so hard.

But, it’s time to fight, even though I’ll have to learn how…one breath at a time.

Weigh-In No More

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Scale_Broken

So, my epic scale? Broken…yay, little people at my house. One of the wires went bye-bye. Awesome stuff.

Anyway, I got over it rather quickly. I have another scale, but it’s not as cute…and I don’t trust it for weights as great as mine. I’ll start using it again in a couple months, I reckon.

Until then, what I really need to do is get serious about my workouts again. Sure, I get some exercise in here and there, but I’ve lost that discipline and structure I had for a bit recently. I doubt I’ll stop being busy anywhere in the near future, so I can’t keep putting this off for a tomorrow that may never come.

Did I mention my trusty workout sneakers also went bye-bye? Fun stuff, man. As soon as I get that sorted out, I’ll have better news for you guys. In the meantime, though, I’m getting more dancing done, so that has to count for something. Plus, it’s fun…:D

This isn’t easy, though…and I’m not talking about working out. It’s just so bloody difficult to do something just for me. Still not giving up. One day, I’ll look back on these posts, and I’ll smile because I actually fought for something.

For today, though, I need to go organise my schedule for the coming week…less likely anything will take me by surprise. 30 minutes of workout time shouldn’t be so hard to come by.

Happy Weekend, lovely people.

Blessings.

Snap Out Of It!

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I work too hard to mess things up by not being serious about what I eat. Working out is sometimes fun, but it is far from easy, even though I get better at it every day. Why not set myself up for the best results possible?

Most of the food in my house isn’t necessarily unhealthy…it’s just…normal, which cannot work for me. Like, there are vegetables and stuff, but cooking isn’t something I want to do these days. And then, I’ll eat things I know I shouldn’t–not because I like food, but because it keeps me in a place I’m used to. Sigh…Every time I start to do something right, I find a way to mess it up (pretty much a compulsion). Ah, the joys of being me.

I’m not rolling over and playing dead, though. This may take a while, but it will kick in one day. I forget too often, but I’m strong (and not just because there’s hope for my biceps).

I don’t have to be the most motivated person in the world…or motivated at all. No need to be a superstar. All I can do is take each opportunity and try to make the right choice. When I make bad choices, I need to learn from them. This is so new for me. Usually, I give up as soon as I realise something isn’t going to work.

I’m learning how to fight…and I think I like this Lori. 😀

Courage

Image source: heanssheeatclean.com

Weigh-In No. 10

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286 (25/05/13)

I think I like weighing in…I mean, those numbers fluctuate like crazy, but I think that’s part of my journey and maybe the picture wouldn’t be complete without it.

On Day 8 of that BeFit thing. Wootsies! It’s…not easy, but it’s not impossible either. I’m actually sticking to something! I’m so good at owning the negative side of who I am that I often forget to look for the positives. I have so much growth to do…just as a person, and trying to process everything at once is so not going to work, but this is a mega leap. 😀

I’d like to thank God…seriously, I would. Thanks also to my sister, who told me about the workout programme and encouraged me to do it. Of course, I have to thank Keri (check out her blog!). She started the programme after she saw that I had mentioned it…and she started it before me. Quite the heads-up. 

One more day down…:)

On My Way

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I’m a sweaty, stinky mess, but I fought for every drop and every trace.

*pauses to get water*

Four days of exercise this week! Yes!  Those BeFit people are geniuses (although their cardio video is a nightmare, so I had to switch to dance workout vids…and yoga isn’t my speed, so I used a ballet stretch video and some other stretch video). Thank God they gave us that rest day. No way would I have been able to work out on Day 3. My thighs were so sore, I wobbled on my way down the stairs. But, it passed. (Good lesson there.) The pain just means I’m getting stronger. I hadn’t done any such workout in close to a year, so the pain was expected…and it wasn’t as bad as it was when I started working out last year (my sister harassed me to go to the gym when I was with her).

So, yeah, this week has been good in terms of exercise, but it wasn’t great food-wise…not terrible, but not deliberately healthy…not to mention the junk thrown in.

All these are steps on the journey, and I’m kinda afraid to say it, but I think I’m learning. I feel as if I’m actually going to do this…as if it’s not something I’m trying on for size, but the rest of my life. (I like my pun, too! :p)

In other news, my sister (not the awesome one who harassed me to go to the gym) just offered me sour Skittles…she’s awesome, too, but I had to refuse…Sour, chewy candy is epic, so that took effort. Teehee.

Okay, to shower and beyond! No more rambling. 🙂

Happy Weekend, folks!

Blessings.

ForSize

Weigh-In No. 7

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283 (04/05/13) … 3 pounds.

Good things come to those who hydrate.

My lesson this week: you don’t have to get everything right. Did I work out? No…well, not on purpose. I stayed hydrated, though…and I did better at eating right. Oh, and green juice? Epic stuff.

It’s funny how I’m changing. I usually think I have to get it all right, or it’s a waste of time. Now, I’m learning that good choices count as much as bad ones, and I have to decide which I’ll make. Change isn’t hinged on any one decision, good or bad. Change is an act of grace, and I’m grateful there’s more than enough of that to go around.

Do I want to get back on track with my workouts? Yes, please. In the meantime, though, I can choose healthy food options…not that I always do, but everything counts.

Guess what, guys? We can do this…we will  do this. Let’s take the lessons each day brings us, not just those that come from success, but those from failure as well.

Weigh-In No. 6

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286 (27/04/13)

Quite the miracle (I didn’t gain any weight). Didn’t exercise all week, unless you count the 15 or so squats I did out of sheer idleness on Saturday…oh, and the 2 or so minutes I spent experimenting with some device of torture posing as a resistance implement that I saw my nephew with.

Like, I keep telling myself to snap out of it…to just get going, and it’s just not working. In some ways, it might be, but it is not going as well as I’d like it to. I’m realistic enough to not have expected anything great, but I have so much to work towards.

You know what? This is me we’re talking about. I’ve been at this for over a month…like, that’s historic. I’ve deliberately made the choice to keep going. Why am I just seeing this?

There is hope for me after all. Teehee. There is hope for all of us.

Fall, we shall…if we must…but this really is the rest of our lives. It has to be more than some experiment. It’s learning to live, one breath at a time.

This song… Thank God for people who are honest enough with Him to write such awesome stuff…(I cannot vouch for the accuracy of the lyrics. :P)

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