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The pursuit of perfection is, at best, paradoxical. Has that stopped me? Nope.

It is not necessarily that I want to be perfect, full stop. I just want to be as perfect as I can be. I want to not fail at things I know are within my capabilties. For example, I had work-related training this morning. There was a quiz at the end, and I got one question wrong. I’m not over it…not because I got it wrong, but because I knew the right answer. I can’t bring myself to focus on all the others I got right. That one is stuck in my head, because I knew it, and I’m still smacking myself for it. In the end, the important thing isn’t that I get all the answers right, but that I have the requisite skills, and can apply those when needed. Still not over it.

It’s what I do, though. I don’t necessarily set lofty goals, especially as it relates to my health. I try to make things as feasible as possible. When I fail at that, I’m not necessarily motivated to keep pushing. I should know better, and I do know better, but I don’t do it. Isn’t that just so human of me? Don’t we all fail at things we can handle? Don’t we all make mistakes we could have avoided? Isn’t it just like us to beat ourselves up for not being good enough, very often according to our own standards?

I can’t promise I won’t do it anymore. That would just start the cycle all over again. I will struggle with this, maybe for a really long time. Still, I think I’m learning. Failure may mean I am not perfect, but it doesn’t mean I am worthless or incapable of change. All failure does is reveal where I need to grow, and if I allow failure to cripple me, I’ll never grow.

I will fall. I will fail. I will not give up.

Perf

To Be Honest

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I wasn’t going to post a blog today, but the thoughts were there, so why not? I’m actually considering shutting down this blog. It’s hard for me to share my life with others, which is a big part of why my posting is so sporadic. This is my journey, and I am not ashamed of my lack of progress as it relates to weight loss, because it reveals things about me…and that means progress as a person. I’m just not always up for sharing that, but perhaps I need to.

So, to be honest…

  • I don’t want to do this…any of this. I like eating healthy food when I can, and I even enjoy working out. I just hate this inevitable feeling that I’m working towards a number, or a look, or a sense of accomplishment. I’m not working towards any of those things, but it’s almost as if that’s the expectation. This journey has never felt organic, or like an extension of myself. At the same time, I don’t feel pressured into doing it…I don’t know of anyone who hasn’t accepted me as I am. It’s just…I don’t know. It’s hard to be motivated when you don’t want to do something. I don’t want to lose weight. I know I need to, and I know I need to improve my health, but I don’t look forward to being significantly smaller. That is a big part of the struggle of this journey–I’m doing it without motivation. I can’t picture myself ever being motivated to lose weight, so I can’t wait for motivation.
  • I don’t know if I love myself enough. I know I don’t hate myself, and I oppose anything and anyone that would suggest I am somehow less of a person because of my weight, but I can’t honestly say I actively love myself. If I did, I think I would make better choices…wouldn’t I want to be as healthy as possible? Wouldn’t I push for what’s best for me? I don’t know. Maybe I just need to be more deliberate about how I live out this love…maybe it’s time I learn to fight.
  • I’m tired of saying the same thing over and over…but maybe not tired enough, since I keep having to say it. I sometimes wonder why I’m so passive when it comes to the pursuit of my welfare, but maybe I don’t want to find out. It’s pretty weird, though. I’m a giver, and I will do whatever I can to help another person. Why withhold the same from myself?
  • I don’t know if or when this is going to ‘work’. This journey has never been about the numbers, although the numbers tell their own story. I can’t promise this is going to be the year I get it right, but I know this won’t be the year I give up. This journey to health is not the story of my life. It’s yet another step on the road to discovering what it is to live…and to love. To love life enough to live it meaningfully; to love myself enough to be deliberate about making wise choices.

That’s where I am now, I guess. Let’s see where this goes.


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Weigh-In No. 4

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272.5 (25/05/15)
Previous weight: 274

Numbers aside, I’m starting to see a difference in the size of my stomcach. I doubt it’s obvious to others around me, but it’s progress. I’m also trying to go to the gym more often, but I haven’t really been committed. Classes are great and all, and they’re good enough for now, but I haven’t been to the gym for a workout of my own in ages. I can also see where some of my old eating habits are creeping back in. I might write about that soon.

This is very much a journey, and making backward steps can be frustrating, but I have to keep going. I know this works, so it doesn’t make sense to give up. I didn’t even want to do this, but the small changes are becoming a part of me. I’m no longer fighting myself to go to the gym. It’s not aways compatible with my schedule, but it’s almost automatic now.

I could have made it to the gym four times last week, but I went shopping instead. There was a really good sale, and I wanted to get some stuff for my family. Three out of four wasn’t too bad, though. 🙂 I’ll keep that challenege until I complete it.

This week hasn’t been going great so far, and I need to cook, but I honestly can’t be bothered. We’ll see how it goes.

The Same Lesson

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In two months, I could weigh 300 pounds.

Frankly, that is not as scary as it should be, but it is eye-opening. I started going to the gym in February, and I made progress. I overcame my fear of the treadmill, and I even ran. To top it off, I inspired my sister (who is nowhere near my size…and actually works out) to run. Ooh, and did I mention all those reps I did with a 30-pound bar, and how I felt as if I had found my happy place (hate cardio, LOVE strength training)? Sounds like the start of something beautiful, but then I kicked in.

I decided it was best, for a number of reasons, to stop going to the gym, and continue working out at home. That wasn’t as bad a plan as it sounds, but the gym doesn’t require the one thing working out at home does–choice. It recently hit me, yet again, that I’ve always improved my health or lost weight by accident, by default, or for some reason that made me feel as if I had no choice. I’ve never really had to CHOOSE to get healthy, even though I’ve allegedly committed to it several times. To be honest, the only reason I started the gym was that I didn’t want to fail a medical I would do a couple months later. Having failed at improving my health, but passed that medical, I now have no ‘reason’ to get healthy–but for my own good.

When it comes down to it, that’s why this is so hard. If I had to get healthy to benefit someone else, I would have done it ages ago. If I cared, I wouldn’t have let fear trap me into returning to my bad habits after losing a significant amount of weight five or six years ago…without even trying. If, at that point, I had chosen to focus on my health, I could have been healthy for the past five years, rather than having no guarantee of either health or another five years. But, this is what I do. Something good starts to happen, and I sabotage myself.

So, I don’t really have a plan now. Yes, seeing the scale in the 290s again was scary, but that won’t do it. I just have to keep making those little choices, as I’ve been trying to do for the past couple days. I have to choose to eat healthy food, say no to eating what I know is bad for me. I have to get moving. Working out works for me, and I can’t deny that…so I need to literally get up off my ass and do something…while I still can.

No clue how or if this is going to work, but I’ve decided to cut out the extremism I’m prone to. I want to make little choices I can keep making for the rest of my life, even though doing that will be hard at first. I guess, in a sense, I’m starting over (again!), but that’s okay. I’m not in this to be a superstar. I’m here to learn, even if it’s the same lesson.

I Dare…Again

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When I blogged this in November, I was scared, but definitely more confident about success than I am now. This is my journey, and owning it is hard. It’s not going so well, but I can’t keep giving up. That’s no way to live. The only words I have are those already expressed…and I need the reminder. Badly.

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November 6, 2013

I DARE…

So, my last post seemed to be right…there will always be something else. Another hectic month, but I’m back.

I turned 28 recently, and I did something revolutionary (by my standards, anyway). I set 28 goals for the coming year. Seven of those goals are health-related. I was talking to a friend last week, pretty much filling her in on life and stuff, and I mentioned that this health thing is something I want to take seriously, but it is so terrifying. She said the coolest thing: “Dare to live, Lori.”

So, I dare.

I dare to believe I can do this…that my goal of losing 100 pounds in one year is achievable, by God’s grace, and if I make the choices I know are within reach. I mean, an average of basically two pounds a week should not be that hard. One of the things I wanted to do was to make sure I wasn’t setting goals that were unlikely to be achieved. Based on my current weight, success means losing an average of close to 1% of my weight each week. If I can’t do that, I have bigger problems than I thought.

I dare to fight, even when that means learning how to. I’m so good at just accepting whatever comes my way. I’m honest and realistic, but I sometimes use that as a crutch…as if admitting I have a problem means I don’t need to work on it. This won’t be easy. So much bigger than weight loss and numbers, this is about getting my life back.

I dare to be weak, because not facing weakness is a surefire way to have it beat you. For too long, I’ve let weakness overcome me, as if I could handle it myself. If it means asking for help, I’ll do it. If it means learning to be vulnerable, I’ll…I’ll work on that one.

I dare to be strong. I’m physically strong, and as I develop discipline, I’ll become strong in other ways. After two months at the gym when I was with my sister last year, I know I can take the pain. The muscles I came home with proved that. It’s so weird for me to even think this, but I am strong. I can’t keep living as if I was meant to be a victim, a casualty of circumstance.

I dare to accept that failure will come. There is no perfect path. I will mess up, I will fall, I will fail. Pretending otherwise will just make it more likely I’ll give up when it happens. But, here’s the best part: I don’t have to be perfect. I just need to do this, and keep doing it.

I dare to share. I’ve spent so much of life in hiding, even from myself. So, I’m committing to being honest on this journey, whether it’s going great or not…even when it’s not going.

I dare to be excited. I never do that. This is going to be all kinds of new and scary…and ugly. But, it’s different. It’s something other than going from day to day with no aim or destination in mind. Man, I should be excited. 😀

I dare to live.

Snap Out Of It!

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I work too hard to mess things up by not being serious about what I eat. Working out is sometimes fun, but it is far from easy, even though I get better at it every day. Why not set myself up for the best results possible?

Most of the food in my house isn’t necessarily unhealthy…it’s just…normal, which cannot work for me. Like, there are vegetables and stuff, but cooking isn’t something I want to do these days. And then, I’ll eat things I know I shouldn’t–not because I like food, but because it keeps me in a place I’m used to. Sigh…Every time I start to do something right, I find a way to mess it up (pretty much a compulsion). Ah, the joys of being me.

I’m not rolling over and playing dead, though. This may take a while, but it will kick in one day. I forget too often, but I’m strong (and not just because there’s hope for my biceps).

I don’t have to be the most motivated person in the world…or motivated at all. No need to be a superstar. All I can do is take each opportunity and try to make the right choice. When I make bad choices, I need to learn from them. This is so new for me. Usually, I give up as soon as I realise something isn’t going to work.

I’m learning how to fight…and I think I like this Lori. 😀

Courage

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Weigh-In No. 10

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286 (25/05/13)

I think I like weighing in…I mean, those numbers fluctuate like crazy, but I think that’s part of my journey and maybe the picture wouldn’t be complete without it.

On Day 8 of that BeFit thing. Wootsies! It’s…not easy, but it’s not impossible either. I’m actually sticking to something! I’m so good at owning the negative side of who I am that I often forget to look for the positives. I have so much growth to do…just as a person, and trying to process everything at once is so not going to work, but this is a mega leap. 😀

I’d like to thank God…seriously, I would. Thanks also to my sister, who told me about the workout programme and encouraged me to do it. Of course, I have to thank Keri (check out her blog!). She started the programme after she saw that I had mentioned it…and she started it before me. Quite the heads-up. 

One more day down…:)

On My Way

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I’m a sweaty, stinky mess, but I fought for every drop and every trace.

*pauses to get water*

Four days of exercise this week! Yes!  Those BeFit people are geniuses (although their cardio video is a nightmare, so I had to switch to dance workout vids…and yoga isn’t my speed, so I used a ballet stretch video and some other stretch video). Thank God they gave us that rest day. No way would I have been able to work out on Day 3. My thighs were so sore, I wobbled on my way down the stairs. But, it passed. (Good lesson there.) The pain just means I’m getting stronger. I hadn’t done any such workout in close to a year, so the pain was expected…and it wasn’t as bad as it was when I started working out last year (my sister harassed me to go to the gym when I was with her).

So, yeah, this week has been good in terms of exercise, but it wasn’t great food-wise…not terrible, but not deliberately healthy…not to mention the junk thrown in.

All these are steps on the journey, and I’m kinda afraid to say it, but I think I’m learning. I feel as if I’m actually going to do this…as if it’s not something I’m trying on for size, but the rest of my life. (I like my pun, too! :p)

In other news, my sister (not the awesome one who harassed me to go to the gym) just offered me sour Skittles…she’s awesome, too, but I had to refuse…Sour, chewy candy is epic, so that took effort. Teehee.

Okay, to shower and beyond! No more rambling. 🙂

Happy Weekend, folks!

Blessings.

ForSize

Weigh-In No. 7

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283 (04/05/13) … 3 pounds.

Good things come to those who hydrate.

My lesson this week: you don’t have to get everything right. Did I work out? No…well, not on purpose. I stayed hydrated, though…and I did better at eating right. Oh, and green juice? Epic stuff.

It’s funny how I’m changing. I usually think I have to get it all right, or it’s a waste of time. Now, I’m learning that good choices count as much as bad ones, and I have to decide which I’ll make. Change isn’t hinged on any one decision, good or bad. Change is an act of grace, and I’m grateful there’s more than enough of that to go around.

Do I want to get back on track with my workouts? Yes, please. In the meantime, though, I can choose healthy food options…not that I always do, but everything counts.

Guess what, guys? We can do this…we will  do this. Let’s take the lessons each day brings us, not just those that come from success, but those from failure as well.

Bracing Myself…

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Weighing

So, this has not been a great week at all. I’m honestly bracing myself for the weight gain when I check on Saturday. (Won’t ever be quite that high, but the point is made. 🙂 Love those black socks!)

I haven’t been eating healthily…not necessarily unhealthily either, just normally. That, coupled with no exercise, is going to almost guarantee that the scale won’t be my friend. I’ve been so busy, but I also have not used my time wisely. Cooking takes time I don’t have, time I don’t make. My family cooks healthily enough, but they’re not going to cook brown rice…nor cut down on salt…and they shouldn’t have to. It’s okay for them, but it’s not okay for me, and I haven’t been making my own meals. Definitely not drinking enough water.

The journey continues, though…step by step. I need to come up with a more efficient way to use my limited time…and I waste a good deal, honestly. I’m also terrible at eating or hydrating properly when I have a lot of things to do. I’ll just keep putting it off until a “later” that never comes. Getting that out felt good. 🙂

I have a tendency towards sabotage, but I have to stop it. I am not going back, no matter what the scale says. I may have to carry over this week’s challenge into next week (still not too late, though), but this is not the end.