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To Be Honest

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I wasn’t going to post a blog today, but the thoughts were there, so why not? I’m actually considering shutting down this blog. It’s hard for me to share my life with others, which is a big part of why my posting is so sporadic. This is my journey, and I am not ashamed of my lack of progress as it relates to weight loss, because it reveals things about me…and that means progress as a person. I’m just not always up for sharing that, but perhaps I need to.

So, to be honest…

  • I don’t want to do this…any of this. I like eating healthy food when I can, and I even enjoy working out. I just hate this inevitable feeling that I’m working towards a number, or a look, or a sense of accomplishment. I’m not working towards any of those things, but it’s almost as if that’s the expectation. This journey has never felt organic, or like an extension of myself. At the same time, I don’t feel pressured into doing it…I don’t know of anyone who hasn’t accepted me as I am. It’s just…I don’t know. It’s hard to be motivated when you don’t want to do something. I don’t want to lose weight. I know I need to, and I know I need to improve my health, but I don’t look forward to being significantly smaller. That is a big part of the struggle of this journey–I’m doing it without motivation. I can’t picture myself ever being motivated to lose weight, so I can’t wait for motivation.
  • I don’t know if I love myself enough. I know I don’t hate myself, and I oppose anything and anyone that would suggest I am somehow less of a person because of my weight, but I can’t honestly say I actively love myself. If I did, I think I would make better choices…wouldn’t I want to be as healthy as possible? Wouldn’t I push for what’s best for me? I don’t know. Maybe I just need to be more deliberate about how I live out this love…maybe it’s time I learn to fight.
  • I’m tired of saying the same thing over and over…but maybe not tired enough, since I keep having to say it. I sometimes wonder why I’m so passive when it comes to the pursuit of my welfare, but maybe I don’t want to find out. It’s pretty weird, though. I’m a giver, and I will do whatever I can to help another person. Why withhold the same from myself?
  • I don’t know if or when this is going to ‘work’. This journey has never been about the numbers, although the numbers tell their own story. I can’t promise this is going to be the year I get it right, but I know this won’t be the year I give up. This journey to health is not the story of my life. It’s yet another step on the road to discovering what it is to live…and to love. To love life enough to live it meaningfully; to love myself enough to be deliberate about making wise choices.

That’s where I am now, I guess. Let’s see where this goes.


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Weight Loss Mystery Solved…Part 1

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Last week was such a pensive time, and I think I’ve made a breakthrough. Somehow, I understand why I’ve never been able to embrace weight loss as a separate entity, why I’ve never felt whatever it is that compels people to try to lose weight. Of course, I see the need for weight loss, as part of a commitment to a healthier lifestyle, but that doesn’t change my aversion. So, my epiphany, if you will…

No matter how strong you are, even if you think you’re unaffected by things people say, you build resistance. I’ve had perfect strangers ask me if I didn’t see I was too fat (because, apparently, I don’t have either working eyes or a mirror), had people who hadn’t seen me in a long time not even greet me properly, but make a comment about my size. I won’t go into how the average person becomes a nutritionist or something–all the lovely ‘concerned’ questions about my health. I took it all in stride, often laughed and responded politely to people who were downright obnoxious, but I can no longer deny its impact.

I’ve absorbed, without realising it, so much of the negativity aimed at me because of my size. I’ve never hated myself or my body, but I think I transitioned into no longer actively loving myself, as if I didn’t have that right, simply because I had let myself go. Even the love I had for myself became ‘in spite of’, as if I had to defend my right to love myself–or not hate myself.

People have suggested something must be fundamentally wrong with me, just by looking at me. In the same breath, I knew being fat didn’t make me less of a person, or unworthy of love. Because of that, I feel the need to protect myself…to protect my fat self.

Trying to lose weight feels like giving in to everyone who has made my size feel unacceptable…to the random people on sidewalks who told me I should stop eating, to family members who’ve reduced my portions or flat-out told me I shouldn’t eat something (things they didn’t do for others), to those who have celebrated my smaller self as if accidentally (or deliberately) losing weight made me a better person–as if I would finally be worthy of my spot on the planet if I lose enough weight. I oppose that idea so strongly that trying to lose weight feels like a betrayal of my very self.

Now that I understand this, I need to find a way to include weight loss in my health and fitness journey, without having it as the point of my journey. Weight loss will be the consequence of my changing lifestyle, not the cause of it. It will give me a sense of how my changes work, how my body responds to those changes, but I will not work for a number. I refuse to be a slave to the scale, or shackle myself to the idea that my weight and worth have any relationship, especially that of inverse proportion. Weight loss, on this journey, will be only a guide, not a goal.

I may still struggle with my aversion to weight loss, and while people may assume I’m working towards losing weight, and may even applaud me for it, I have to remember my goals–health, fitness, and discipline. I am not a thin girl trapped in a fat girl’s body. My body is not a prison, and I refuse to try to escape from it. I will, as I am changing, transform it…see its potential for strength, continue to appreciate its beauty, at every size.

This is my body, and I love it. I am fat, and I love myself. Fat is not my identity, and rooting my identity there, embracing fat as who I am, is no less than destructive than those who would see me as unworthy because of my weight.

I am fat, and I love myself…enough to change.

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Weigh-In No. 6

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286 (27/04/13)

Quite the miracle (I didn’t gain any weight). Didn’t exercise all week, unless you count the 15 or so squats I did out of sheer idleness on Saturday…oh, and the 2 or so minutes I spent experimenting with some device of torture posing as a resistance implement that I saw my nephew with.

Like, I keep telling myself to snap out of it…to just get going, and it’s just not working. In some ways, it might be, but it is not going as well as I’d like it to. I’m realistic enough to not have expected anything great, but I have so much to work towards.

You know what? This is me we’re talking about. I’ve been at this for over a month…like, that’s historic. I’ve deliberately made the choice to keep going. Why am I just seeing this?

There is hope for me after all. Teehee. There is hope for all of us.

Fall, we shall…if we must…but this really is the rest of our lives. It has to be more than some experiment. It’s learning to live, one breath at a time.

This song… Thank God for people who are honest enough with Him to write such awesome stuff…(I cannot vouch for the accuracy of the lyrics. :P)

A Swift Kick…or Several…

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…exactly what I need. Okay, no…physical pain isn’t my thing, but it’s sooooooooooooooo easy for me to just…well, cave. I mean, I’m not in love with food, nor am I afraid of exercise. I’m just so used to all this that it’s hard to actively be involved in a process that gets rid of it. I’ve been trying to tell myself that I’ll still be me, but for me  to look different is for the picture of me  that exists in my mind to change. My mind needs pictures to work. Add my innate passivity to that, and the reality is less than pretty.

At my size, I don’t have to work hard to lose weight. A few relatively minor changes can yield significant results in the long run. Pushing or fighting for anything doesn’t come naturally to me, so if I’m not careful, or bold enough to cry out for help, I’ll be right back to square zero. I said I was doing this for my health, and I need to.

I’m grateful for the steps I’ve taken so far. In the same breath, I acknowledge that I have been inconsistent, and sometimes, I just don’t care. Being honest about it makes it harder for me to kid myself that I’m actually embracing this. It’s very much something I’m still adjusting to, still learning to accept…not just as reality, but as my reality.

Change is far from easy, especially for one as lacking in discipline as I am, but the words of some cool Roman emperor/philosopher have resurfaced from the confines of my memory (thank God for Google):

Aurelius

Because a thing is difficult for you, do not therefore suppose it to be beyond mortal power. On the contrary, if anything is possible and proper for man to do, assume that it must fall within your own capacity.

~  Marcus Aurelius

(That said, it is way past time I started that BeFit thing I keep putting off. Challenge definitely accepted.)

Challenge Accepted

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I love my little comfort zones, which means resisting change whenever I can. It means I do what works for me, and not much else…in certain contexts, but particularly as it relates to my health. I’ve decided to add a weekly challenge segment…nothing major…just a little thing each week to push me further out of my shell and towards becoming a person.

Challenge no. 1: Post my least favourite pic of myself. 

Let’s just make this clear, I’m not fond of posting pics online, so this is hard for me. Facebook is one thing, but randomly floating in cyberspace? Anyway, brace yourselves.

Whoa_

November, 2011.

I hadn’t left the house or gone out much in ages, so I had no reason to get dressed up. On top of discovering barely anything could fit me, this pic greeted me on Facebook not long after. When you’ve been fat all your life, you’re used to it, but I had never seen myself as huge, and that was it. That pic made me see just how much weight I had put on since I started spending so much time at home. My face looked sooooooooo different, and I had to admit that fat was changing my features. Lol.

Anyway, I did it…and now that pic of me is out there for all the world to see…I hope not. In any case, this is who I am, who I was then, and I have to own it. I have to own what I’ve done, where I am, and what I need to do to get to where I want to go. Getting smaller is a good sign of change, but I’ve lost weight before (I should blog about that, huh?) and I didn’t change, nor did I expect to. Small or not, I want to grow as a person. Maybe I need to find that person first, though.

Until then…

Blessings.