The pursuit of perfection is, at best, paradoxical. Has that stopped me? Nope.

It is not necessarily that I want to be perfect, full stop. I just want to be as perfect as I can be. I want to not fail at things I know are within my capabilties. For example, I had work-related training this morning. There was a quiz at the end, and I got one question wrong. I’m not over it…not because I got it wrong, but because I knew the right answer. I can’t bring myself to focus on all the others I got right. That one is stuck in my head, because I knew it, and I’m still smacking myself for it. In the end, the important thing isn’t that I get all the answers right, but that I have the requisite skills, and can apply those when needed. Still not over it.

It’s what I do, though. I don’t necessarily set lofty goals, especially as it relates to my health. I try to make things as feasible as possible. When I fail at that, I’m not necessarily motivated to keep pushing. I should know better, and I do know better, but I don’t do it. Isn’t that just so human of me? Don’t we all fail at things we can handle? Don’t we all make mistakes we could have avoided? Isn’t it just like us to beat ourselves up for not being good enough, very often according to our own standards?

I can’t promise I won’t do it anymore. That would just start the cycle all over again. I will struggle with this, maybe for a really long time. Still, I think I’m learning. Failure may mean I am not perfect, but it doesn’t mean I am worthless or incapable of change. All failure does is reveal where I need to grow, and if I allow failure to cripple me, I’ll never grow.

I will fall. I will fail. I will not give up.

Perf